Sometimes, some of you take the time to write me a letter. Sometimes, I think I should share them.
This one darn near broke my heart.
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But James* said I could share, so I have, in full, below. We both want to know what his story means to you.
Dear CK
I’ve been reading your blog for some time now and am a fan of your work. You seem to have a great attitude about everything, making you a joy to read. You bring up some interesting topics and create some great discussion. Thanks for what you do!
Your blogs from last Friday and yesterday have created a lot of discussion related to “nice guys”, much of which I found rather frustrating to read as someone for whom the label has often been assigned in exactly the context being discussed. I was going to reply to some points in the comments, but was unable to due to it saying “you entered the security code incorrectly” every time I tried. I decided to adapt some of what I was saying to an email for you. I assume that in your line of work you find it interesting to hear from people with diverse experiences, so I hope that you get something out of this.
First a detail that I hope won’t cause you to instantly write me off- I'm 28 and I've never had a girlfriend. In fact what's happened is that I've never made it past a date or two without hearing "You're such a great, nice, guy; I'm hoping we can be just friends" (and I've dated enough that it long ago became soul crushing to hear again and again, but I persist). The majority do genuinely mean it when they ask to be a friend and those that I've let in have indeed gone on to become good friends (which I appreciate but can find a little torturous at times). As a consequence, I now have a large number of female friends who enjoy my company, love talking to me, apparently think highly of me, even try to set me up on occasion, and all insist that I'm a great catch (I still think so too) and that they can't see anything wrong with me... except they're just not interested that way themselves of course.
The best I’ve had as far as constructive criticism goes is that I could improve my confidence, but that’s become a bit of a chicken-or-the-egg scenario; having been rejected by every woman I’ve ever asked out in my 28 years it’s hard to maintain a permanent state of optimism and confidence when it comes to dating, try as I might.
One thing I hear regularly (from more male friends than female) is that I'm just too nice. And maybe they’re right. I'm certainly a caring gentleman, with strong empathy and I've never been very comfortable with teasing. I could never pull off “treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen”; I’m too friendly and open. I do often wonder if I need to change a lot of my attitude and behaviour that I see as important before I could be someone who would attract a woman for more than platonic friendship.
So, onto the comments on your blogs that I was finding frustrating...
* “Nice guys don’t call themselves nice guys.” Well, I wouldn’t presume to, but I’ve had others put the label on me enough times that I’ve given in to it.
* “Nice guys just go for the wrong women.” The women I’ve dated have been nice, normal and down-to-earth. I’m attracted to intelligence, a nice smile and kind-heartedness above all else. I’ve dated friends of friends, people from work, from sports, from hobbies (e.g. dancing lessons recently) and from internet dating sites. I really doubt I’m only going for the wrong women.
* “Nice guys just blame women.” No. I don't blame women for how things have been for me. I'm disappointed in some of them sure, occasionally becoming frustrated in a “why couldn’t I just be given a chance?”-type way. However, despite the positive encouragement I hear and that I just need to wait "for the right one" (ha!), I think it's fairly obvious by now that there's something seriously wrong with me, not with them. I just wish I knew what.
* “Nice guys don’t finish last.” I wish that were true CK, I really do. My situation is far from unique.
It’s really hard sometimes. Most guys wouldn’t admit this, but while I’m spilling and being all open and honest... the other night I was close to tears from an unmet desire just to hold someone. I'm not even talking sexually; that's a whole other kettle of fish. I just mean, it's at times unbearable to never have the chance even just to simply hold someone for once! There are layers of thoughts and cravings and loneliness like that which I have to mentally fight away to remain strong and yet the mere presence of any such things in my head is enough to assure that things will not be changing for me any time soon as I have no doubt they make me even less attractive. I’m not bitter, just feeling sad, lonely and defeated.
Sorry, this email ended up a lot longer than I intended. If you read all of that, thanks for your time and I hope that you got something interesting out of it. Perhaps seeing a different side will help in your writings.
Best wishes and thanks again,
James
P.S. Are you still giving out imaginary hugs?
*Not his real name.
So. Now you too have read James' story, what do you think? His story may be familiar or foreign. It might irk or inspire you. Ultimately, it's one person sharing their experience and hoping to learn from yours.
Here's your chance to reply... what would you like to say in response to Dear James?
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