The process of two people separating is not only immensely painful but is also tragic for the couple as well as the people associated to them. The end of any relationship is extremely agonizing and draws ample amount of attention and sympathy from family and friends. If the couple ending their relationship has children, they are prone to get the most affected and at times they are scarred for life. For these children their world as they knew has shattered and any amount of sympathy is just not enough. These children can develop long term issues especially emotional problems, difficulty in trusting people and a general hatred towards commitments. In many cases, children who see family break up during their childhood grow up to wreck their own family. They cannot commit and sometimes mess up their lives just as theirs had been when they were young.
Parents mistakenly think that if their kids are young, separation/divorce won’t be so hard on them and that they will eventually reconcile with the situation as they grow older. However, many experts claim that this is false. Young children, mostly between the ages of 3 to 10 are most affected by separation. This is because their innocent minds cannot comprehend the reason why the two people they love most and who are immensely important for their lives are parting ways. This is followed by a sense of insecurity for any future relationships and most often they stop relying or trusting anyone.
According Dr. Faisal Mamsa, a psychiatrist practicing at South City Hospital, Karachi says, “Insecurity is the most prominent feeling in a child when his/her parents are getting divorced. He does not know what the future entails for him and because of this reason; the child may suffer from depression.”
Unfortunately, parents usually don’t realize that breaking up their marriage may affect their child more than he/she reveals. Therefore, children from broken marriages end up harbouring feelings that they are too young to understand and handle. And at times these children fall prey to bouts of silence which usually goes undetected by the parents. And it can also lead to severe depression.
It is imperative that these children are treated for their depression on time so that they are able to cope with life better. However, to treat depression, one has to recognise it. It is very important to note that the symptoms a child displays while suffering from depression are completely different than those that an adult might reveal. “Some of the symptoms may include excessive crying, aggression, weight loss, an increase or decrease in appetite, losing interest in activities or things which used to attract him, changes in sleeping patterns, seclusion at school from peers, irritability, fatigue and low energy and an increase in the number of physical complaints such as headaches, stomach aches etc,” says Dr Faisal. “A child may also develop a cynical outlook to life if one of the parents talks bad about the other, this can lead to the child hating the gender of the accused parent. When one parent bad mouths the other, they are actually forcing the child to choose between one of them, and this unconscious effort of the parent tears the child apart from within.”
Abandonment issues
Divorce may be a good way for the couple involved to move out of a bad relationship. It is healthy to part ways and start life anew but its effects are rarely positive or helpful for the children. A lot of children, who witness the divorce of their parents, incorporate episodes of angry, impulsive and violent behaviour as a result of observing their parents’ responses to frustration and anger. The child naturally looks to his/her parent or parents as a role model and then copies this behaviour to handle certain situations and emotions.
Before the divorce, there is usually a period of extreme anger between the couple, who fight constantly. Not enough importance can be stressed on the fact that when parents fight in front of the children, it not only confuses them but also disturbs them to such an extent that they might develop what is called a ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’.
A borderline personality disorder is described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person characterised by depth and variability of moods. The disorder involves unusual levels of instability in mood, thinking, and outlook to life. This personality disorder can also lead to chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity and behaviour, which is why most children coming from broken families either have anger management problems or possess low self esteem.
Dr. Faisal says, “A child may also develop abandonment issues if one parent is brain washing the child into thinking that the other one did not love them or treat them right.” This all would not make sense to the youngster, which will eventually lead the child into blaming him/herself for the break up of the parents’ marriage. “The child then assumes to be the flawed one and starts thinking that his/her parents are getting separated because of him/her, which results in losing their confidence,” explains Dr Faisal.
Anger and aggression tend to become the child’s tools for solving his or her problems. He or she may often violently lash out at those around them since they have seen their parents do the same and thus have only learned to handle a situation in this manner. Furthering this point, Dr. Faisal says, “Children should be kept out of arguments, confrontations and other such things - not only during divorce, but also separation or even normal arguments between the couple. Parents need to present a united front for the kids so that they can feel secure.”
Breaking the news
The best way to break the news of separation to a child is to sit with him and explain that his/her parents won’t be living together anymore. This way, even though it still would be hard on the kid, he/she will have something to look forward to, and will cherish the belief that his family is alright. Dr. Faisal says, “One parent should not try to influence the child’s opinion about the other one. It is necessary for the child to respect both parents equally. The child should be assured of the fact that both his parents are going to love and be there for him/her even if they won’t be living together. The main emphasis should be laid on spending quality time with the child, this does not mean an entire day, but even a couple of hours, where the child enjoys himself and divulges in activities he loves best, would suffice.
Moreover, if you honestly believe that separating from your significant other is the right thing to do, then stick to it. Having second thoughts or doubts in front of a child will only confuse him/her more. Sometimes, it is better for a child to be brought up in a single parent family. Aasma, a working mother of two says, “I got divorced when my second child was only 2 years old. The hostile environment was too negative for a child. So, I left because I knew that my husband would never respect me or treat me right.”
Both my kids today are really happy, and feel in no way that they lacked anything while growing up. What makes me feel out-of-this-world is that they’re all grown up now and actually appreciate what I did for them and for myself, in retrospect.”
So while you are going through possibly the hardest time of your life, stop for a minute or two and think what your child is going through. Try explaining things in a positive manner and before saying anything you must take his/her feelings into consideration, and be the most supportive person you can be for your child.Source: The News
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