Seven steps to communicating with your partner well

By: Dr. Pam Spurr

It may be 2011 but now, just as always, men and women can still get crossed wires. Misunderstandings and arguments are the natural result of different points of view, but they can also suffer from a failure of the Big C - communication. But there's absolutely no need to feel occasionally like you're speaking different languages around each other.
Here are seven simple but important strategies to kickstart communication that improves your relationships.
The Big C Tip No 1: Use eye contact
You two, like most couples, are probably always in a rush. With constant pressures it's easy to lose the most basic communication - direct eye contact. Be honest, most of the time you're speaking to her you've probably got one eye on your mobile, and the other on paperwork, Facebook or even the television.

But eye contact goes to the core of our emotional and psychological self and heightens communication. As the saying goes, "the eyes are the windows to be soul". Close those windows and you close off communication. So when speaking, take a moment to look directly at her - do that regularly and it'll make a world of difference.

The Big C Tip No 2: Claim responsibility
Women can't stand it when men appear evasive about claiming responsibility for what they're saying. Beating around the bush won't cut it with her. Get around this easily by using 'I statements'.

It's simple - begin sentences about your point with an "I". Let's say you're discussing the rows you have over how you spend weekends. You should say, "I believe we'd have fewer rows if we organised our time better at the weekends. I think we should do X, Y and Z to sort it." That's far more powerful and effective than saying, "You know, er, maybe we need to think about our weekend time because we both get so stressed about things, etc, etc"

The Big C Tip No 3: Be positive:
You'll go far with communication by saying something positive even when you're raising a negative. If you have a difficult or sensitive topic to discuss ALWAYS begin by highlighting something positive about this issue before tackling the difficulty.

You immediately generate goodwill from her by showing that there's a positive basis to help sort it out. And starting on that positive note things are less likely to degenerate into world war three.

The Big C Tip No 4: The reflective technique
Something that psychologists use - and should be used in any meaningful communication - is the reflective technique. Take a few moments when she's said something to reflect it back to her. For instance, she says it gets on her nerves when you tease her around your friends. You reflect back, "so it gets on your nerves when I tease you around my friends?"

Immediately you've got her on-side because you've listened to what she said. And that's what she wants more than anything! The conversation, eg about your behaviour around your mates, can continue from that constructive point.

The Big C Tip No 5: Keep goal focused
Many couples get frustrated with each other because they start discussing one topic and end up going around the houses discussing about 20 issues. Use that male ability to focus on a goal by steering the conversation back to the main topic when you go off course.

It's easily done - as soon as things stray off-topic you simply say, "I'd really like to get back to talking about X, Y or Z." Said calmly and with determination it makes a world of difference to sorting out issues one at a time.

The Big C Tip No 6: The key gender difference
You'll have far more success with her if you don't ignore a key gender difference in conversational style. Men often talk about what they 'think' about something, where women talk about what they 'feel'. Subconsciously you'll make a positive connection with her by using the words 'feel' and 'feeling' instead of 'think' and 'thinking'.

Using these slightly more emotive, descriptive words helps you create more harmony in a conversation with her.

The Big C Tip No 7: The two-minute technique
If all else fails and you still don't 'get' each other, drastic measures are required. Use the two-minute technique where you're each allocated two minutes (time with an egg timer, your watch, etc) to speak uninterrupted about the topic. You both must stick to the rules and hear each other out.

Use your time wisely to be clear and positive about the issue. Communication is the glue holding your relationship together - never underestimate its importance.
Source: MSN